Tuesday, April 17, 2007
Monday, April 16, 2007
Ever have a day...
When you feel like your name is really Marie Hoke, and you're an invalid....movie "Phone Call From A Stranger", starring Gary Merrill and Bette Davis. I feel rather MANIC!!!!! Manic at the Disco. Panic in the City. Sex in the Orchestra Pit. Falling in the River.
Is all this random enough for you? Imagine how I feel, thinking it all! My GAWD, it gets annoying as hell to have about eight BILLION (bullion - have any gold? Not god, gold! - Got milk? Who needs the shit?!)
Oh yeah, that many thoughts going around simul-freakin-taneously in my mind. And it doesn't stop. I had a rhyming competition with ME earlier! Shit, I tell you, this condition called Bipolar is for the bird(brain)s.
I wonder how deep the Brazos River really is. It's only a few blocks from our house. See? I should be falling in the damned river.....on Little House on the Prairie....Melissa Gilbert used to be so cute, and I adored her. I thought Mary looked kinda weird, and she played a witch in one movie she was in. She died in that movie. But she's still alive, in real life...just not in reel life, at least on that movie. But is her career dead? Melissa Sue Anderson...reminds me of a girl named Misty Anderson I used to know.....BookStack, the book store in Corsicana, the town where I grew up. I miss my mother.
She's the only one who can deal with me when I'm like this, I think. If you call this thinking.
I miss the kidlets. Tiffany called yesterday (what did she call and whom did she call it?), but I was having breathing problems, and I'd tried to install a door, so I didn't get to talk to her....too exhausted. I guess the energy level is catching up with me. Great! It's after midnight, and I'm all peppy (typed peepy the first time I typed that word) and manic. Am I cursed?
No, I'm very blessed.
Good night, and wish me luck, please...peas...carrots....orange and yucky, stucky, plucky.
It just never stops, sometimes.
Monday, April 09, 2007
Not feeling it totally
We're in Austin, at my sister's house. Her husband has gone to visit his mother, so we're down here to help out with the kids. I have been pretty distracted from the loss of Granny, but I think it's crept back up on me today. Her picture is on my sister's refrigerator, and I started crying earlier. I don't know if that's why I was crying or not, honestly.
Life confuses me.
Life confuses me.
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Wednesday, April 04, 2007
Funeral day
It's funny - not in a humorous way - I looked on here and saw that I've named this diary "Random Observations of a 30yo Grandpa". Today, we buried my 84yo grandmother.
It comes and goes, the realization. I've lost my grandfathers a while back, but never a grandmother until now. This was Granny, my step-father's mother. I don't get along with my step-dad, but his family is another situation. Granny was a very nice, loving woman, at least to me. I didn't know her as well as I would have liked, but every time I ever saw her, she made me feel like part of the family, which beats anything her son usually does. I'm not in the mood to rip Wayne (step-dad) to pieces. His mother just died and was buried today, and I'm feeling sentimental, even about HIM.
Peggy, Allen, and Edmund, Wayne's siblings, were there. All seven of us kids were there. Jerry wore his Army uniform. I saw Henrietta, Granny's sister, for the first time in a very long time. She said something to My Mikey that almost made me cry. It's kinda silly, I guess, but she told Mikey he had cold hands. Then she said, "Cold hands, warm heart!" That was just like something Memaw, my mother's mother, would say.
Mama said she's afraid her "first mother-in-law", Nanny, my late father's mother, might be dying pretty soon. I don't know what to think of that. I have a very love-hate relationship with Nanny, but there's no denying that on both parts, it's an intense love, even when we're screaming and hollering at each other, which, unfortunately, happens sometimes. Nanny and Memaw are both 85. Granny would have been, had she made it to her birthday of August 4.
This is the time I've been fearing all my adult life. The loss of my grandparents. I've always relied so heavily on my grandmothers, in particular. Granpa and Papaw have been gone for some time already. I miss them, and sometimes I get sad about them, but mostly, I have learned to deal with not having them anymore....but my grandmothers....that's another story.
Today was the first step in the next chapter of my life. I'm praying that if Mama was right about Nanny, then maybe God will have mercy enough on Nanny to take her quietly. I hope and pray He has mercy on her, for her life has been extremely hard and unfair.
Much love to all,
Jack
It comes and goes, the realization. I've lost my grandfathers a while back, but never a grandmother until now. This was Granny, my step-father's mother. I don't get along with my step-dad, but his family is another situation. Granny was a very nice, loving woman, at least to me. I didn't know her as well as I would have liked, but every time I ever saw her, she made me feel like part of the family, which beats anything her son usually does. I'm not in the mood to rip Wayne (step-dad) to pieces. His mother just died and was buried today, and I'm feeling sentimental, even about HIM.
Peggy, Allen, and Edmund, Wayne's siblings, were there. All seven of us kids were there. Jerry wore his Army uniform. I saw Henrietta, Granny's sister, for the first time in a very long time. She said something to My Mikey that almost made me cry. It's kinda silly, I guess, but she told Mikey he had cold hands. Then she said, "Cold hands, warm heart!" That was just like something Memaw, my mother's mother, would say.
Mama said she's afraid her "first mother-in-law", Nanny, my late father's mother, might be dying pretty soon. I don't know what to think of that. I have a very love-hate relationship with Nanny, but there's no denying that on both parts, it's an intense love, even when we're screaming and hollering at each other, which, unfortunately, happens sometimes. Nanny and Memaw are both 85. Granny would have been, had she made it to her birthday of August 4.
This is the time I've been fearing all my adult life. The loss of my grandparents. I've always relied so heavily on my grandmothers, in particular. Granpa and Papaw have been gone for some time already. I miss them, and sometimes I get sad about them, but mostly, I have learned to deal with not having them anymore....but my grandmothers....that's another story.
Today was the first step in the next chapter of my life. I'm praying that if Mama was right about Nanny, then maybe God will have mercy enough on Nanny to take her quietly. I hope and pray He has mercy on her, for her life has been extremely hard and unfair.
Much love to all,
Jack
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